Chronicles of a Deadbeat Girlfriend: Vol 6, “New Opportunities”

Hi everyone.  Today, walking along the multi-million dollar homes in my neighborhood that we have some how lucked out to live next to from our beach shack, I decided my constitution is much more suited to paint the house than to sit in it all day long, if you know what I mean.  I recognize this contradicts the very large however impermanent detail that I am jobless right now, but if we focus on that, then we miss the point.

So, this elicited an alarming interest within, to jot down new opportunities I could explore when the responsible head of gainful employment encroaches on my happy days of leisure [pronounced “leh-zure”].  I thought it fitting as well that the horoscope left for busy Manhattan-ites at the Starbucks on the corner of Manhattan Ave and Highland read for me today:

“Only young children and immature adults throw fits and tantrums.  If you’re not happy with your current career, go out and explore new opportunities for yourself, and see what happens.”

For about 30 seconds, I set off on a whirlwind internal rage that went something like, “Oh.  How you come at me with that, random newspaper horoscope.  By the way, this is a journey, not a sprint my friend.  I will have you know I have more opportunity in my little finger than…why is everyone staring at me!? I am sweating.”

I managed to come down off of a state only to be described as “unaware catatonic toddler” and discovered, oh dear.  I have just thrown a tantrum that makes absolutely no sense, thereby catapulting myself into the very category of “young children and immature adult.”  When the haze of my tantrum lifted, I decided the horoscope was not directed at me, but for many other people who hadn’t yet found their true calling.  I settled on befriending this horoscope, only making a minor mental note to replace “immature adults” with “adult baby”; it just sounds better.  Also, I am not immature.  That’s for certain.

Nonetheless, I stayed with my earlier goal of jotting down some new opportunities given my inspiring morning.  Here are a few below.

1.  Stonework Apprenticeship

With the Spanish-speaking crew erecting the new mansion across the street.  Not the entire home, just the stone work.  To me this project seems rewarding for many reasons.  I could reengage my intense love for the Spanish language, brushing off years of college classes just taking a siesta [1] somewhere deep in my brain.   Also, I would become exclusively familiar with and included in their little Spanish jokes that, by way of using context clues and picking up on tone, I have deduced that they are joking but I don’t understand because I never studied abroad like I so desperately wanted and deserved to. It would be like the last semester of college in Granada, Spain I never had.

In addition, I would educate myself on the wondrous craft of hammering postcard-sized pieces of flat multi-toned rock into cement, creating a beautiful tapestry for all the world to see.  Or only those fortunate enough to visit this home, that by my professional real estate guesstimation is in the neighborhood of 3-10 million dollars.  So about 10 people.

2.   Greeting card writer and maker.  Here are a few to start:

–  Sorry about your haircut. I still like you as a person anyway, and I’ve heard lots of others do too

–  Thank you for having an interview with me!  It was fun to feel appreciated and liked.  I had no intention of taking this position but it was nice to chat and I liked your office decorations. [in script font]

–  “Assume” makes an ass out of you, and me.  [inside: I’m sorry for acting like a daft,  unaware asshole].

I’m not sure why my new greeting card business focuses on such niche, mostly negative or awkward situations, but with a little more thought and some corporate funding I can get into some happier themes.  Please email if interested.

3.  Movie script writer/ concept person.  This one needs no explanation, after what I saw on my TV prompt for upcoming movies the other day [see evidence below].  If this is truly a movie that has made it through a script, editing of any version of script, casting, production, film editing and on to HBO, then surely I can compete.

dumb movie/ deadbeat girlfriend

“(2003) Man blinded by toxic waste relies on heightened super senses to fight crime.”  What!!?

4.  Hugh Jackman’s deadbeat girlfriend

5.  Jason Statham’s deadbeat girlfriend

Of course, my friends, I am acutely aware that Jason, Hugh and myself are all respectively in very loving, committed relationships.  Actually I can’t say for Jason’s after running into him at LAX [we didn’t speak or touch so maybe “ran into” is a misnomer.  But we didn’t have to; what we have could be felt by every man, woman and security ID-checker person within seeing distance].

I was zoning out in the security line and leered to the other end of ridiculous flashing lights of paparazzo and saw his beautiful, rugged, handsome, chiseled, accented face I’ve admired since the first Transporter, and then saw a tall blonde girl hiding under a faddish cowboy hat made out of felt, the very same color as the brown crayon you never wanted to use as a young coloring book artist, because it closely imitated the very unappealing tone of excrement. This mystery woman and I did however resemble one another in the height and hair department, propelling a conclusion perfectly foregone that I could somehow sweep her legs when he was busy getting his photo snapped, slip her some tranquilizers and shove her in the trash just outside gate 43.  Thus, allowing me to sidle right next to his broad shoulders and no one would be the wiser.  I didn’t have time though, as I don’t generally travel with tranquilizers and I was too busy looking her up on Wikipedia to discover her name is Rosie and that she’s a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model.   This lead to the steadfast conclusion that, because she was named “Rosie”, a model, and they’ve only been dating for 1 year, that the relationship couldn’t be stable.  Just a hunch.

6.  Stay at home mom/ work out nanny.   There are clear pros and cons with this one:

Pros: There is a curious little congregation of moms who meet a few times a week to work out with a lady who from my purview is a self-proclaimed trainer, identified by her hat and matching shirt that says, “Fit for Mommy, Fun for Baby” or something equally embarrassing for everyone involved, including those innocent children.  The pro here is that if I were a nanny, I could meet up with these ladies and have the BEST beach bod ever.  Maybe I wouldn’t even need a baby. I could just find one of those off-road 3-wheeled strollers that they all have, which assuredly you make payments on like a car, and I would stuff mine with a cabbage patch kid.  I might even win a few of their mommy mini-races because my baby would never cry, and I could off-road and take short cuts in order to win and bask in the glory of both hot mom-ness and peer appreciation. Oh the status I would have amongst these other ladies of leisure!

The con here is the obvious embarrassment factor(s) of being part of an organized mommy workout, a situation akin to out-of-water synchronized swimming + stroller.  A small price to pay for amazing beach buns, if you ask me.  Also, pretending to have a baby might be illegal. I haven’t gotten that far yet.

Cons: There is a terrible storm cloud of a stereotype that looms in Manhattan Beach, or probably lots of places, for women who show themselves in the daylight during otherwise “working” hours.   This ghastly daytime appearance bellows mockingly, “Hey look at that lady. She is SO spoiled and does nothing but work out all day. Honestly, what does she do?  Ugh. I hate that lady”.  Now dear readers, there is strong potential this stereotype was fabricated based solely on the observations and freedom-lusting by yours-truly, during a vivid time of general irritability and bitter displacement as a working girl [I had an advanced case that I’m pleased to say is clearing up].*

*On further thought this Con is being thrown out, on the grounds that I’m not certain I can be bothered with what other moms or nannies or passers-by care about what I do all day.  I have come to appreciate these people.  Maybe they own their own LA cupcake business, the decadence of which I so willingly used to partake, and they work within the confines of their safe, happy little kitchens? [Although I think baking out of your kitchen with intent to sell in California is illegal, a tidbit I learned from a campaign that went awry.  Maybe advertising does serve a purpose…] Those delectable little treats have to come from somewhere.  Or, maybe these ladies have actual sugar daddy’s.  And in that case, who gives a shit?  I’m pretty sure the world will still turn.  Why should I care if a lady wants to work on her buns all day instead of a conference report or integrated media approach utilizing core channels based on target-appropriate location?  I really shouldn’t be bothered.  I have my own ridiculousness to pontificate over (see volumes 1-5). Case closed.

7.  Newspaper horoscope writer

Duh. Obviously the one at the MB starbucks needs some serious ayuda[2] if I’m still lamenting over it.

8.   iPhone/ Blackberry/ Android app developer, “Spittr”

Spittr is quite simple. It’s an aggregation of anything one publishes online – Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, YouTube – that has been agreed to post by its owner after having a blood alcohol level of at least .10.  I know this seems high but really it’s not.  In fact, I’m convinced if we did a quick survey, 90% of tweets have been alcohol infused way beyond this level.  How else could a giant stream of bullshit be so popular?  I will tell you- because we are all drunk with visions of increasing our Klout score, and we are all in on it together.  We’re all trying to make ourselves popular, so why not “follow” each other around, thank each other for following, and reposting stuff so that we hope new idiots will follow us, all for the sake of an arbitrary number to keep ticking up and up.  It’s the largest and most flawless experiment for narcissism.  Brilliant!

Once I figure out how to authenticate blood alcohol level via cellular device, I will let you know.


There are so many more, I can’t even keep them all straight.   I suppose I’m still riding the wave of freedom and so literally anything is a possibility, sort of like when the Little Mermaid discovers there’s a real world outside of the ocean, and sings a song about it.

So my friends, this list is a silly one (sort of), but today I hope you all are discovering new worlds, even if they seem out of reach.  I hope today is a day you feel excited about something new and different.  Tell someone about it, but don’t let them sway the intent of your original thought.  A lot of times I think we get distracted about a perfectly good first inclination, that gets diluted by self-doubt or others’ opinions.

Go discover.  Tell someone, or don’t.  And have fun 🙂


[1] “nap” en Español

[2] “help” en Español

Chronicles of a Deadbeat Girlfriend: Vol 6, “New Opportunities”

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